If you are not keen on spirituality you may want to skip reading this post.
The voice inside telling me to stop taking 1 mg of clonazapam every night was loud and persistent. Even after two doctors told me to stay on the drug due to the harsh and lengthy withdrawal, I knew the voice inside my heart was correct, they were not. Even after nine months of tapering, tears, fears, using a walker to get out, and being bedridden, the voice was as loud as always. I now understand that voice was the voice of God.
I want more than a benzo free life. I want a new life, with God at the helm. My withdrawal feels as if I am dying unto myself, in order that I may truly live.
I continue to be amazed at the lessons I am learning as I wake another day, and cope with sensations, fears, thoughts, feelings etc. that at times are overwhelming. In my suffering, and in my surrendering and accepting my current condition, I am being introduced to myself on a very deep level. At times I want to hurry the process, I want to know when I will be well, when I can go back to work, what work will I be going back to, etc. I feel this rush, rush, rush, to hurry up, accomplish healing, hurry up, get to the next step. That’s the old me. The new emerging me knows that I must be still and know God. Only in my stillness, only in my waking every morning to face another day just as I am, will I ever find peace, and be authentic.
I am 53 years old. I have accomplished some good things in my life. But they pale in comparison to what I am doing now, lying on the couch, allowing God to sit beside me, and trust that all is well. I am amazed at how many things that I used to desire, don’t matter any more to me. With that comes tremendous serenity. I am amazed at how far I had gotten “off my mark” in life. I was so busy being busy, that I didn’t have time to feel the deep feelings I need in order to make sense of life.
I am doing more than withdrawing from my benzo. I am fallow ground. I am sitting still, with the knowledge that in time, seeds will be sown, and I will begin to sprout new life. I am not used to being fallow ground. I am used to being the one dashing about making things happen. I have to let the old me go, and open my heart to God’s grace so that I can become alive, in a way I have never been alive before.
You do not have to believe in the God I believe in. But I do hope that as you go through withdrawal, you are opening your heart to God as you understand God, and allowing that God to come in and hold you. I hope that you too, are dying, to live! I hope your new life after benzos is rich with self-knowledge, self-love and acceptance.
To new life.