Some of you know I went to the ER. I NEVER thought I would give in and let withdrawal get the upper hand. I thought a lot of things when I started this journey. I thought I was special somehow. I wasn’t ever going to be bedridden. I was never going to have to stop working. I was going to beat the benzo beast with powerful positive thinking and I guess some sprinkling of pixie dust for good measure.
I started this blog and my forum thinking I could lead everyone suffering from benzo withdrawal into a better place and reduce their suffering. I knew if I wrote positive things for people to do, it helped me stay on track.
Then I dialed 911 and discovered the deeper, darker places of withdrawal. I woke up after an hour of sleep with a heart rate of 180. I couldn’t get it down and I did what I used to do when my heart rate kicked up for no good reason, I panicked. I won’t go into detail about the ER visit, but it was hell. I was told I am an addict and they treated me very respectfully. Long story short, I have had a rough few days since my visit.
For a few days I felt shell-shocked. My symptoms got worse and I fell into despair. I didn’t know what to do. I cried for hours for days. When the tears stopped, I asked, “What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” I have been pondering that. I realized deep within myself, THERE IS NOTHING I can do, but to hold on. Nothing to do but to TRUST those who have blazed the trail before me and have healed. Nothing I can do but to wait and allow my brain to heal. Nothing I can do but to be patient.
There are some things I can do of course. I can tap into my positive thoughts which seemed to have vanished when it got so dark. I can make an effort to reach out to others more, to engage in life even if it is in a limited manner.
I can rethink what I stand for in life and opposed to thinking of all the symptoms I can’t stand.
I can dig even deeper and discover I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
I don’t know what to do some days, just like you may not know what to do some days. Relax. There is nothing to do but to allow this process to take place.
I am more and more humbled by this experience. More and more my heart opens to others who are suffering from anything in life. More and more I feel my heart filled with love from strangers who reach out to tell me their benzo stories. I am so grateful for all of you who trust me enough to tell me who you really are.
I am trusting you enough to tell you who I really am. I thought I could lead the way with my positive thinking. But, I am just another benzo bozo on the bus. 🙂
Let’s all learn from each other. When you don’t know what to do, curl up in bed or on the sofa and just breathe. That’s enough.
I am breathing today. 🙂
If this post is not too coherent, I am in a benzo fog today. My brain may not be working well but my heart is. I give my heart to all of you.
Jenn
Hi Jenn, I have managed to stay out of the Psych Ward (loony Bin) but have been in and out of the ER maybe a dozen times since I was on Benzos. I never was told I am a addict that hurts ! last time I was there was for a Heart Rate of 167 I also didn’t know what to do but since then I have only had a few bad days and today is one of them, I think I revved myself up with the wrong food. I hope you continue this blog.
“I was told I am an addict and they treated me very respectfully.”
Jenn, do you mean they did NOT treat you respectfully? I thought they treated you terribly.
“I thought I could lead the way with my positive thinking. But, I am just another benzo bozo on the bus.”
You are leading the way with your positive thinking. You’re also dealing with a difficult taper. We’re ALL benzo bozos on the bus.
typo… it was VERY disrespectful.
It was traumatizing.
Thanks for catching the typo. Appreciate it.
Yes we are. But I thought I was “special.” lol… I was gonna be the one who dodged the crappy stuff with my powers of positive thinking. Oh well. I’m in the crap but can still think positively.
Time and optimism heals. I trust that.
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sorry to hear you have been in the ER since being on Benzos. Hopefully your ER days will be a thing of the past once you are healed.
I have no intention of stopping my blogs. I’ll keep posting if you all keep reading. 🙂
Hang in everyone. We are all one day closer to healing.
Jenn,
I understand completely. Have been in that situation too. Forgive them, for they know not. so sorry you had to go through this. Yes, more compassion, we are all learning, & being humbled to our knees, at best.
Thank you again for being so honest & truthful and authentic about yourself.
aryana
Can I ask, are you still making minimal cuts and holding between cuts? So sorry you are having such a hard time. I had to stop the klonopin w/d and was advised to give my brain a “rest” as I had just c/t on Ambien and Darvocet.
After a few months I will begin cutting again and trying to learn as much as possible about titrating in the meantime.
why does the heart just kick up like that in the first place ? is it fear ? jana mentioned it happens for a reason but in her cryptic way never said what the reason was.