Some of you know I  went to the ER. I NEVER thought I would give in and let withdrawal get the upper hand. I thought a lot of things when I started this journey. I thought I was special somehow. I wasn’t ever going to be bedridden. I was never going to have to stop working.  I was going to beat the benzo beast with powerful positive thinking and I guess some sprinkling of pixie dust for good measure.

I started this blog and my forum thinking I could lead everyone suffering from benzo withdrawal into a better place and reduce their suffering. I knew if I wrote positive things for people to do, it helped me stay on track.

Then I dialed 911 and discovered the deeper, darker places of withdrawal. I woke up after an hour of sleep with a heart rate of 180. I couldn’t get it down and I did what I used to do when my heart rate kicked up for no good reason, I panicked. I won’t go into detail about the ER visit, but it was hell. I was told I am an addict and they treated me very respectfully. Long story short, I have had a rough few days since my visit.

For a few days I felt shell-shocked. My symptoms got worse and I fell into despair. I didn’t know what to do. I cried for hours for days. When the tears stopped, I asked, “What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” I have been pondering that. I realized deep within myself, THERE IS NOTHING I can do, but to hold on. Nothing to do but to TRUST those who have blazed the trail before me and have healed. Nothing I can do but to wait and allow my brain to heal. Nothing I can do but to be patient.

There are some things I can do of course. I can tap into my positive thoughts which seemed to have vanished when it got so dark. I can make an effort to reach out to others more, to engage in life even if it is in a limited manner.

I can rethink what I stand for in life and opposed to thinking of all the symptoms I can’t stand.

I can dig even deeper and discover I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

I don’t know what to do some days, just like you may not know what to do some days. Relax. There is nothing to do but to allow this process to take place.

I am more and more humbled by this experience. More and more my heart opens to others who are suffering from anything in life. More and more I feel my heart filled with love from strangers who reach out to tell me their benzo stories. I am so grateful for all of you who trust me enough to tell me who you really are.

I am trusting you enough to tell you who I really am. I thought I could lead the way with my positive thinking. But, I am just another benzo bozo on the bus. 🙂

Let’s all learn from each other.  When you don’t know what to do, curl up in bed or on the sofa and just breathe. That’s enough.

I am breathing today. 🙂

If this post is not too coherent, I am in a benzo fog today. My brain may not be working well but my heart is. I give my heart to all of you.

Jenn

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