It is 4 AM and I am, as usual, wide awake. I can’t sleep because it feels like thousands of ants are biting/stinging my body. Of course, there is also the incessant ringing in my ears, skipped heartbeats, twitches, chills, ear pressure, weakness… well, you know.
I closed my eyes and did my normal surrender to the sensations. Anger bubbled up instead of acceptance. I was enraged that I have to suffer through withdrawal because I trusted a doctor to heal me 17 years ago. I sat with the anger, allowing it to “just be,” without judging myself for experiencing it. It just is what it is. However, I know that anger won’t heal me. So I dug a bit deeper and was curious if there was any way I could frame the sensations so they were less troubling.
I thought of all the years my GABA receptors have been shut down from the benzo I took. I decided to imagine the ant sensation was a fine indication that my receptors could now wake back up and do the job they were intended to do. Suddenly, the ants picnicking on me were exciting in a strange way. I felt less like a victim and more like a victorious warrior, fighting a hard battle and winning.
I’ve been in tolerance withdrawal a mighty long time. I started my taper on October 13th, 2010. I need all the positive tools I can use if I am going to cross the finish line somewhat intact. Looking at my symptoms in a fresh light is one such positive tool.
I am not so much of a Pollyanna to think that every day I’ll be excited about the very painful and distracting sensations. But even if the thought of my GABA receptors waking up buys me only a short time of relief from this relentless ordeal, I’ll take it!
More peace, less suffering. I know I can’t magically stop the symptoms of withdrawal. But I can use my mind to create as much peace in the process as I humanly can. You can do the same.
What symptom do you have that is the most annoying? How might you think of it today, as a positive sign that you are moving away from drug dependency and moving towards healing and freedom? Just for today, welcome the sensation and be grateful. Instead of a numbed out body from your benzo, you have a body that is springing back to life. Let’s celebrate that.
To winning the battle for freedom, one day at a time.
Dr. Jenn
Dr. Jenn,
That is a great way to describe exactly how I feel from time to time. It is so comforting to know that I am not the only one who is experiencing this kind of thing during wd.
I too have been struggling since Oct. 2010….I am trying to accept the wd as just part of healing, but have to admit it is difficult to do sometimes. I am trying to stay focused on “one day at a time.” This too shall pass!
You are a great great leader to this site. I feel so blessed that I have found you and all of your wonderful wisdom that you offer.
Thank you for your time and hard work that you are putting into helping others through your own knowledge and experiences. You truly are a blessing to us!
Hugs,
Lynster