It’s raining now, as I write these words. The tap, tap, tap, on the roof, lullabies me as I ready for bed. Just after midnight, the rain will turn to snow, and I’ll wake up to a world covered in white—winter’s last gasp—as it fades into spring. That’s the rhythm of nature. Something is always coming or going; everything has a season. That’s good to remember as you traverse through benzo withdrawal. It may feel as if it will last forever, but it won’t. The suffering you are experiencing now is just a season. There will be a new season to follow; a season of joy and peace, a season of blessings.
Like many of you, I thought I was broken beyond repair, doomed to a life of misery. I was sure that I would be the outlier, the one who didn’t heal. There was so little evidence to support the notion of my healing. My benzo withdrawal symptoms felt so entrenched, so a part of who I was, that I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Besides, when I started to feel a bit better, and I dared to have a sliver of hope, my symptoms either came roaring back full force or new symptoms appeared.
But then there was that one day. That day when my symptoms were better, and they didn’t come roaring back and new ones didn’t appear. That day was the day that the season of my suffering was letting go. Sure, it took some time for the suffering to end finally, but end it did. And in its place, came an unbelievable season of blessings. That’s the season I’m living in now.
Remember, nothing lasts forever. Day turns into night. Today turns into yesterday. Suffering eventually ends and something beautiful takes its place. I know it may be hard to believe, but this season of suffering you are in now is turning you into an incredible version of yourself; more strong than you could have ever imagined, more patient, more understanding, more compassionate, more wise, more loving. That’s what so many of us who have weathered the slings and arrows of benzo withdrawal have experienced.
No matter how far down you may think you are, no matter how broken, how shattered, how unrecognizable you may be, remember that is is just a season. It’s not forever. It is a season that may be challenging, but soon, the new shoots of growth will pierce through the seemingly relentless darkness, and you’ll feel the light, the warmth, the preciousness of your days.
If you are an oldie goldie like me, maybe you’ll remember the song Turn. Turn. Turn., by the Byrds. The last line says it all “A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late.” Your peace is coming; It will happen. In its own good time. It’s not too late for you. A season of blessings is coming. You can trust that just as you can trust that winter will uncurl her clenched fist and finally let go. It will be spring, soon.
Hello Jen,
Yes yes yes… all things come to pass. We’re pretty much the same age and I do remember that song by the Byrd. Also like you here in the UK it’s been a snowy spring, and I keep telling people that spring really is coming.Thank you for the confirmation. I still have quite a few benzo symptoms, but am better at distracting myself as it’s not as intense. Mush love and big blessings to you amazing lady.x
Oh dear..predictive /predatory text. ..that’s much love, not mush! Also it’s the Byrds not the Byrd. Doh x
Hi Jennifer. I am even older, 65 years and was on Xanax for 23 years. Like you, I was so fearful I would be one of those that might never heal. But, I am finally, after little over two years, beginning to see some really good strides in improvement!! Life is beginning to feel like worth living again. You put everything so eloquently. So glad you are finally living the life that you so deserve and living in your enchanted forest! Much love for all you support and encouragement.
Jennifer, I just have to add….of all your posts, and I have read every single one from the beginning, this one brought tears to my eyes. You have the most beautiful way of describing the ebbs and tides of this experience and of life. You are an amazing soul and I will be forever grateful for the day I found your website. Have a blessed spring!!
Hi Jennifer
Your writing are slowly helping me to relax and accept what is happening to me rather than being upset by it and fighting it, So thank you so much for that. I always look forward to your emails and hope too my life will come back like yours. Can I please ask you one thing about GABA reactors. I have been tested for hormones and my progesterone is very low and they want me to take a bioidentical progesterone cream. I ma fearful now of any supplement as I have had some bad reactions, Is this safe to use given it is natural hormones?
I love this post!! So encouraging which is exactly what I need right now. I’ve had a lot of dark difficult days thinking this is not going to end but reading things like this brings comfort! Thank you!
You are very welcome. I’m glad my words brought you some comfort and hope. Yes, benzo withdrawal does end. Eventually. Keep healing!
Lara, from what I’ve heard in the benzo community, as well as some readings I have done, I personally would stay away from progesterone. But that’s just me. I’ve heard of a few women having a very hard time with it and coming off of it. I am such a scardy-cat now of all things pills and potions, natural or not, that I won’t even take an aspirin, let alone take anything that messes with my hormones. Many of us are low in various things in our bodies due to withdrawal, however, not everything needs to be treated, imho. Our bodies do bounce back, in time. That being said, there may be some women readers here who will tell you that they took hormones and it helped. There is no one size fits all in withdrawal. That’s for sure!
Kathy, thank you so much for your very kind and thoughtful words. You brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful that I can help a few people on this sometimes very long and lonely road. Keep healing!
So good to hear that you are seeing improvements! They will keep happening, more and more. Trust the process. Take very good care of yourself and know that in time, life will be very sweet and precious, and the memories of this time of healing will fade away. You’ll be left with all things bright and beautiful.
Thank you! I’m so glad that you are healing and becoming better at distraction. It really is key to our getting through the days. Hope you get some warm weather soon!
thank you so much Jennifer for your reply and your advice.
Thank you Jennifer for a great post! I wanted to comment about estrogens and steroids. I was put on hormones and adventually a steroid based on lab results. I believe benzos skew the results and I was not lacking in these areas. I had to taper off estrogen and a steroid. They were almost as difficult as my xanax taper, as they must react on similar receptors. It was pure hell and it took me 1 year to taper them along with my benzo taper. My personal opinion is everything is adding fuel to the fire. I was also on a beta blocker that took me 1 year to taper off and hell-ish as well. Everyone reacts differently, but I felt I should relay what happened to me. Take care everyone and thank you again Jennifer for your great posts.
Janice, thanks for sharing your experience. I am very wary of adding anything “to the fire” as you say. I’ve heard of others having similar challenges as yours. IT’s good that we share our experiences with others so that people have more information to sift through as they make their own minds up about adding meds or supplements to the mix.
Janice d i am also on hormones and wonder how much it is impacting my recovery. Would love to know how you tapered off your hormones and which ones you were on. I have tried stopoing mine and it was ghastly.
Rachel, I was on Activella for menopause symptoms, but now I know they were benzo tolerance symptoms. My doctor then added a steroid for adrenal dysfunction when this was also benzo withdrawal symptoms. They both exasperated my withdrawal severely. The Activella was too small to taper so I had my doctor prescribe a compounded estrogen cream I obtained from a compounding pharmacy. I was able to slowly decrease over a year the cream easier in that form. It was quite brutal, but the steroid was worse. It helped me emmensely in my taper of Xanax to be free of those two! Wishing you all the best in your recovery too!
Jennifer, this post really gave me a sense if hope today when I really needed it. Thank you for your words if wisdom.
I have a question for you–after your setback and recent healing, did all if your symptoms go away? Or did some remain, but do not impede tour ability to live?
The mental/emotional symptoms went away. I don’t have fear/terror/intrusive thoughts anymore. I sleep fairly well again, too. But I do still get mild tingles, head pressure, wooziness, etc., especially if I do too much physical activity. I’m learning to pace myself better. I believe that in time, the remaining symptoms will fade away. A year ago I thought I was about as healed as I was going to be. (I have had tinnitus since day one of my taper I don’t think it will ever go away.) I think I’ll get back to that baseline at some point. I have a wonderful life, even with the remaining symptoms. I am the happiest I’ve been in decades, maybe ever! Life is so sweet and precious. I am deeply grateful for every morning and look forward to each day with hope and wonder. I am in awe of this amazing world that God created for us!
I am sure you will get back to your baseline, too! Time is your friend. Thank you for responding and for your inspirationai blog.