I grew up expecting that I’d get married and live happily ever after, but my marriage ended before happily ever after arrived. I expected that I’d become a best-selling author, but my books never made the New York Times list. I expected to fall in love and remarry one day, but here I am, still single. So many of my expectations in life didn’t happen. Years ago, I’d have sought refuge in a few glasses of red wine at night to soothe my disappointment and resentments. I didn’t have many coping skills to deal with life when it didn’t go my way. Thank God, that’s changed. Now I know how to let go of my expectations so that I can live life on life’s terms and have peace and serenity. I share my perspective in hopes that it helps you to have more peace and serenity too, even in benzo withdrawal!
When we expect life (people, places, and things) to be a certain way, we set ourselves up for disappointment and resentment. We are not in control of most things that happen in life, so it’s pointless for us to pin our happiness on our expectations. That’s not to say that we should become couch potatoes and never have dreams or goals. I’m not saying that. I’m saying that to be emotionally upset over not getting our way isn’t good for us. When we learn to let go and live life on life’s terms, which is to practice acceptance, we have more energy left to expend on the things that we do have some control over.
When I was in the benzo withdrawal I didn’t expect to suffer bad withdrawal symptoms. I didn’t expect to take longer than six months to heal. I didn’t expect to lose my career and my life’s savings. I didn’t expect to have a life that was completely unrecognizable! But that was what I goThe only way to minimize my suffering was to accept that I was benzo sick and I had a long road ahead to recovery. I had to accept my symptoms and get on with my life within my new parameters. I didn’t always do a good job with acceptance; it was a learning curve. But the more I practiced, the better I got. As I learned to let go of my expectations and live my life on life’s terms, I found that I was getting really good at living in the moment. I stopped looking over my shoulder and regretting my past, and I stopped time traveling into the future and worrying about things that had not yet taken place. When I let go of my expectations, I felt more peace and serenity.
Many of my clients tell me, “I’ll be happy when XYZ symptom goes away.” I used to think like that, too. However, I squandered so much potential happiness by being resentful of what life had handed me that I learned to be happy even with my benzo withdrawal symptoms. I found that one of the best tools for happiness is to practice gratitude. I learned to say “Thank you!” for everything. Yes, you read that right. Everything. I decided that I wasn’t in charge of the universe and I had no way to know what the reasons were for things happening. I decided to let go and to let God as I understand God, be in charge. When I did, I breathed a sigh of relief! No longer did I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. No longer did I have to control people, places, or things. I could accept the events in my life without allowing them to knock me over. (Translation, I didn’t need a drink or a benzo to cope!)
Letting go of our expectations and allowing life to unfold on its own terms is powerful medicine. Let go of your expectations and the disappointment and resentments that come when they aren’t met. There is incredible power in letting go of expectations. It sets you free to be at peace. And who can’t use more peace in their lives?
The Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Jennifer, the timing of this post is amazing. Just this morning I complained to my wife how my withdrawal timing and severity was not meeting my expectations! Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this! Dan
Dear Jennifer,
Yes, LET GO – LET GOD !
Thank you for the comfort in knowing.
With Gratitude, Jerry
Hi Jenn, thank you for yet another truthful and honest blog. I have to say I am very much still practicing acceptance but still have a long way to go at mastering the art. I feel my world at the moment has become so small and enclosed, yet up to w/d starting, I was free and always on the go. I have learned to be grateful that at least I am alive, and with all the support and information you have provided me, I do Know this will end at some point, it has only taken me 5 months to believe this.
On another note, last Friday I had to attend my Dr’s for a review. I did not see my regular Doctor, I saw a very old fashioned Locum. He was extremely honest with me, he was what I would call extremely educated on the dangers of benzos and recovery time from this. He was pretty horrified that I had been prescribed these for 15 years, but held my hand and said “you will get better, your body and mind just need time to get there, and because everyone is different the timescales are not the same for everyone”. You will recover from this 100%, he said unfortunately he has dealt with it too many times over the years, and will now not prescribe benzos unless it was a one off for flying or medical procedure. He says he cannot take a chance with patients health. I felt better after speaking to him, as like you he was completely honest with me, and I respect that.
Hugs and love across the Pond
Jackie
Edinburgh
Sending speedy 100% recovery to all.
Dear Jackie. So pleased you had encouragement with the doc. I tried to leave a message for Jen yesterday but it didn’t work… Thanks for all your help Jen. Praying for you Jackie. Love nicki x
My dearest Nicola, I hope you are ok, or as best as you can be. Please try not to fret, easier said than done. You are going to get fit and well again, this is just a minor glitch in the machinery, and normal service will resume, I promise you. I am 5 months off and have just started to see a small improvement in my scalp so it means as Jennifer says I am healing. Please stick with it, it will benefit us no end.
Love and Hugs to you Nicola, we will get better.
Jackie
Jackie, How nice that you’ve encountered a benzo wise doctor. They are very rare! You will heal, in time. Keep going. Thanks for all of your good wishes for everyone, and your positive comments and encouragement.
Hello again jen. Thanks for your mail. I Feel encouraged.&. Jackie thanks for your kind thoughts. My route has been rather bumpy recently..high stress because of frail sick parents and other unavoidable family pressures. Am learning to truly lean into God. Not very good at it but practicing. Am keeping on praying for each day Jackie. .. and you too jen. Much love to all on this road to recovery. Nicki xx
One expectation I won’t let go of is: “I expect to be fully healed, given enough time.” I guess that’s actually hope, but hope is expectation; a strong belief that something will happen in the future. I guess that’s the only expectation I have during this nightmare, and that didn’t come about until recently. I, too, thought I’d be healed in 6 months or less, and here I am, 35 months later, and still struggling most days. But at least my hope is back! I’ve come too far to ever look back. Speedy healing for all of us! ♡♡
Hello jen.. hoping all is well with you. Praying for you. Love nick x
Also love to you too Jackie . How are you? I’m praying each day for you. … my anxiety is horrid, but hey ho I’m only 11 weeks out from last dose, and have a lot of extra stress with sick parents . Take care everyone. The light always overcomes the dark x
Hi Jenn, I am getting a little worried about you like Nicola, I do hope you are ok. Big love and kisses across the Pond. Can you pop a message on to let us know you are ok?
A worried Jackie
Nicola my thoughts are with you too, I had horrid uncontrollable anxiety for about the first 4 months after C/T it was barbaric and relentless, but then it just disappeared. I did fill my tool bag with all of Jenn’s coping skills and they helped me with breathing and an inner sense of calmness. I will forever be truly indebted to Jenn as I would not be this far without her. Thank you for asking how I am, I have nerve pain over my scalp, face and down my neck, throat and arm. I was put on Diazepam for 15 years after breaking my back, but that was nothing compared to this. Many times I prayed that I would just die in my sleep, but now I pray to get better and live my life. Dr Jenn truly is my inspiration to keep going.
Jackie x
Bless you Jackie. .. will keep praying for you…. gosh you’ve been brave. My story is not very tidy. I had breast cznder with massive amounts of surgery 5 years ago. I thought I was OK and tried to come off an anti depressant which I’d been on for a number of years. I was given bad advice and c/t it basically. Well, I became very ill.changed docs and was put on valium and temazepam.the doc said I’d become even sicker otherwise. I was also put back on the anti depressant .That was nearly a year ago..unfortunately my parents are now very frail and sick, and my daughter needs help with her 3 little girls. My poor body just feels so broken. I think I’m turning a bit of a corner… your comment about the anxiety suddenly going has really cheered me up. I’m on it with praying that your pain will go. I think I may call Jen’s office later on… (time difference). I just want to make sure she’s OK. . We love her…inspiring lady. Take care.. love and hugs, nicki xx
That’s breast cancer!!
I’m Louanne. I am in the midst of the beginning of my recovery- day 12 of cloazapam 2 mg withdrawal taken for 5 years as an anti anxiety sleep aid. The first 7 days I was clueless and cold Turkey went off the prescribed tablets since no doctor ever warned me of the need for slow weaning off this prescribed sleep aid. Wow, day 3 the symptoms of nausea, dizziness, shakiness and fatigue set in. I thought it was low blood sugar and tested my blood and checked my blood pressure. I had no appetite and drank water constantly for dry mouth. When I ate I would get heartburn. Finally after a calendar week, I called my prescribing doctor- after calling a local recovery center on the phone who told me they could give out no medical