I read this letter from a benzo sufferer this morning:
I am SO delighted that you have devoted your life to helping people recover from benzos, as I need all of the daily inspiration I can get. Maybe tomorrow, however, you could elaborate on all of the things you WERE able to accomplish and do during those four years. For us who are still tapering, it sounds as if we will never have a life until that long out.
What a great question? Thanks for asking.
Some of the hardest months for me were the last four of my taper. I was so deathly ill. I was bedridden. It was brutal. I didn’t get a lot of *normal* things done, but I did start to blog about my benzo journey. I even created a benzo forum (that was later dismantled). I may have been bed bound, but I always tried to find ways to have a purpose in life.
Another dark time was after my cold turkey. If you look at the archived posts, you’ll see a ten-month gap in posts. I wasn’t able to write anything. I was too busy surviving! One morning, I felt that God was speaking to me. Of course, I didn’t hear a booming voice in my room, (I had auditory hallucinations, so He could have chosen that route I suppose, teehee) but rather it was an intense “knowing” that I was supposed to go plant a flower garden. Now mind you, I was kitten weak. Could hardly stand up. Wobbly. But I drove myself to the lumber store and bought wood to build two raised beds. It was hard to navigate the store and hard to talk to the clerk. I lived in a state of terror/panic/fear twenty-four hours a day. I brought the supplies home and build the beds. There are really rustic and basic, but they held dirt. I planted vegetables in them. From them, I moved to the rest of the yard.
I ripped out grass, junipers and banks of ivy. I planted love.
I planted flowers in my front yard. Lots and lots of flowers. Every day, neighbors saw my in my overalls, working away. I installed a short fence to protect the yard and I hung a chalkboard on it. Every morning, I’d push myself out of the door and write an inspiration thought on it. I also put out a plate of dog biscuits and a bowl of water. Soon, people were coming from all over to read the chalkboard and to give treats to their dogs. I got to meet and know a lot of interesting people. The garden became a gathering place. I planted more than flowers, I planted love.
I also built a prayer “tree” and put out tags with strings and a pen so that people could write their intentions, wishes or prayers and tie to the “tree.” (This year the tree is a tall trellis at the front of the yard.) In withdrawal, I was able to foster a loving community of people. I’m proud of that. I believe that helped me heal. I know it helped others in the neighborhood to heal from their traumas.
I continued to blog about my benzo withdrawal, and before too long, I was building a large community online. People from all around the world reached out to me for help and hope, even though I was still at that time, in the clutches of withdrawal.
I explored many ways to build a business in withdrawal, but none of them bore fruit. I was too sick. However, looking back, I’m so proud that I at least made an effort. I’m a real go-getter. I don’t let much hold me back from what I want in life! Of course, now I’m back at work and helping others and I’m even helping other coaches build their businesses. It’s very exciting!
I wrote a book in withdrawal, too! Stop. Open. Turn. Three Simple Listening Skills To Nurture And Grow Love In Recovery. It’s not my best writing, but it was good enough to share others. I’m proud I wrote it.
I was able to walk short distances, drive to the beach, hang out with friends, write, read, research, paint, draw, and garden. I wasn’t able to go to the movies for a long time, or to be around loud noises or a lot of commotion. I had to be gentle and kind to my damaged central nervous system.
I honored my limitations and tested them from time to time.
I pushed myself to see where my boundaries were. I did many things that felt terrifying to do, like driving across the Bay Bridge and to Annies Annuals nursery to buy flowers. A good 45-minute drive in horrendous Bay Area traffic, I was often in a state of terror, but I did it anyway. My motto was always, “Keep moving.” I went from one thing that needed to be done to the next. Often I was like a scared robot, going through the motions, but I got things done! Sure, some days I had to rest on the couch or huddle under the covers in bed. I’m not Superwoman.
I had a life in withdrawal.
Here’s the thing. I had a life in withdrawal. You do too! It just may not look like the life you are used to, or the life you want. But it IS YOUR LIFE. I did my best to always make the best of things. I kept my mind and my hands busy. I cooked for family and friends. I painted big canvases using acrylics. I entered art shows. I wrote. I created websites for friends when I had enough bandwidth to do so. I went to the beach. I shopped a lot at my local Goodwill. (I became penniless in withdrawal so Goodwill was the only place I could afford to shop.)
I was scared I would never heal.
Like most everyone else in benzo withdrawal, I was scared I would never heal. I’m sure I drove some people crazy needing so much reassurance! Then one day I realized I hadn’t had the intrusive thoughts. Or I had woken up and the burning spine and gut wrenching nerve pain was gone. Slowly, little by little, bit by bit, I got my life back. I’m not 100% totally healed of the body symptoms, but the mental and emotional symptoms are long gone. I’m hopeful my body will heal more. If it doesn’t…I’ll be okay. My life is good enough right now as it is.
I drove across the USA with my dog Shakespeare.
I knew my healing had turned a corner when last January I rented a van and drove across the USA to give hope to others in benzo withdrawal. I traveled 8.500 miles. It was awesome! I wasn’t completely healed when I undertook that trip, but I was good enough. I’m so glad I pushed myself to do it.
My suggestions to you in withdrawal.
Create community. Listen to others more and stop talking about your symptoms or benzos. Get involved being of service to others in some (even small) ways. Find ways to be creative. Creativity, like everything else, take a huge hit in benzo withdrawal. It’s good to keep your creative muscles going as much as you can. Be out in nature as many hours of the day as you can be. It is healing. Plant a flower garden! Seriously. This is such good advice. There is a bacteria that grows in the soil that boosts serotonin. Go get dirty! Test your boundaries often. You may be pleasantly surprised when you can do things that were you recently unable to do. Find “anchors” that you know to turn to when you are having a really hard time. My anchors were gardening, writing, word puzzles, the beach, and watching movies on my laptop. (I don’t own a T.V.) Eat healthy. Walk every day that you can. Listen to soothing music.
Learn something new.
I know we can’t think straight in the depths of benzo withdrawal. But do try your best to learn something new. I learned how to create websites. I took online classes. I researched topics of interest. I learned to paint. I even attempted to learn to go from only being able to draw stick figures, to drawing something recognizable. I drew a picture every day for over a month, just as a way to practice being disciplined. Withdrawal may have been the boss in some ways, but I was the ultimate boss because I refused to let it ruin my life.
Withdrawal gives us a chance to see what we are made of.
We get to decide if we can accept life on life’s terms and make the best of a bad situation, or if we become victims and shrivel up. I had to battle victimhood. It wanted to suck me down into its murky depths every day. Sometimes, it did get ahold of me and I’d find myself lowering into the abyss. I’d have to fight my way free with gardening, or a trip to the beach and lots of prayers. Not everyone believes in God. But I wouldn’t have survived benzo withdrawal without my faith that there is *something* that rules the stars and the planets and cares about me. Withdrawal gave me a chance to turn my old pre-existing anxiety into a thing of the past. I was made stronger in withdrawal.
You’ll see.
You can’t see it now, not while you are still in the clutches of withdrawal. However, one day, you’ll be able to see that you too, were made stronger and better because you went through benzo withdrawal. You’ll realize that you had a life after all, even in the darkest days. And you’ll rejoice when the light starts to shine back in. And it will. It always does.
You are an inspiration.
In every sense of the word. Be proud.
Yes support I never knew 😉 What a story. I push myself alot..especially in the beginning until i found this blog. I learned alot and still learning as never ends. I know its frustrating but gets better as Im healing more and more 🙂
Hello! I’m Sandy and I started my benzo taper 2 years ago. I’m down to 3.5 mg of Valium a day and each day can be a tremendous challenge. Most days I can do what I need or want to do. But the fear and anxiety are always with me. I never know what my body is going to do next! Im almost 67 years old and have a very blessed life. I have an amazing husband, children and grandchildren. I’m in awe of their love and support, and grateful. I read and pray every single day, as well as journal.
For the last 10 days or so I have had a host of new physical symptoms that scare me to death. I would really love to read some words of encouragement and hope from someone who got through benzo withdrawal. Thanks!
Thank you for those kind words. Everyone in withdrawal is an inspiration, yourself included.
Sandy as you get lower in dose, it’s common to have new symptoms. On the resource page is one of my favorite stories; Kate Fay. She had a devil of a time getting down in the lower doses. Her story may be scary, but she did recover. In time. Keep going. You’re going to get well. In time.
thank you, Jennifer. I am doing a Klonopin to Valium crossover. I woke up so terribly sad and weepy. I tried to join you r new site but failed, so I wrote you. Anyway, I am writing to tell you that reading your story was just what I needed, thank you for sharing, I have deep admiration for what you did while withdrawing. I am still sad and weepy but your story made a difference. Thank you. Pat
Thanks Jennifer. It is so helpful to talk to someone who has been through this. I missed my 10:00 pm dose last night and became fearful. Did you ever miss a dose during your taper, and what did you do?
Hi Jennifer,
wow this is so amazing that this medication is finally starting to get the recognition that those of us suffering thru this painful journey have been looking for! I’m 2 months off a Valium crossover from Klonipin and had taken it for 10 years, ugh….having an awful nightmare of a time, I do well for a few days and then off a cliff into ‘hell’ on earth. I found a lovely mentor in New Zealand of all places and she has emailed me thru the hardest years on my existence on earth! If it weren’t for her and you coming forward telling the world about this horrible truth and helping us realize what we are going thru is real, I know for a fact I would’ve failed a second time trying to get off this medication again. It’s been so hard on me, my family, my friends around me and yet I feel so guilty that I can’t seem to break free and find healing yet. I’m trying so hard, trying not to see doctors because they just confuse me and prescribe another med to try and help me which I’m not sure is the right thing to do even if it’s not a benzo. I’ve recently tried trazadone for sleep but I’ve got a feeling I should just suffer thru and try nothing but to heal.
I’m a hot mess right now, anxiety, depression and fear BUT I’m so glad I was sent your blog tonight!!!!! It’s saving my sanity and that means a lot right now so thank you!!!!
Thank you so very much for your inspirational words! I am in the clutches of withdrawal and you nuggets of wisdom are incredibly helpful. I too think that this horrendous process has made me stronger and it has brought closer to God. I pray that you continue to feel well!
Thank-you so much Jennifer, I have just discovered this community and reading it has given me hope in another wave of rollercoaster emotions. Will I survive again I ask myself.
A week totally off benxo
It has been a long hard road, from Breast cancer 6 years ago, Lorazepam to help me through? Which turned into a nightmare of tolerance and dipping in and out of withdrawal not knowing what was happening to me. I transitioned to Diazepam and slowly began the total withdrawal. If I had any idea that I would also have to face this hell after the cancer hell I would never have taken the drugs, or would I ? I was desperate. But why do doctors who you trust knowingly send you down this path, there must have been another way.
Please God I survive this painful journey too.Thankyou for your encouraging words and God bless you all.
Gillian
Hey Gillian. I had beast cancer 5 years ago. This summer I crashed trying to come off mirtazapine (anti dep).. was given very very bad advice. In august I had to go on benzos to survive. Took my last dose of diazepam 2 days ago. still taking temazepam for sleep. the withdrawal is so random … I am in UK. . Guess you’re in the states.I am only getting through with Jesus’ help.. you will get through… God will restore us.xx
You are awesome Jennifer, thank you for sharing your experiences as almost nobody understands what i have been going through not even my own mother who is a nurse can understand benzo withdrawal. I was started on xanax in 2013 and was on 6mg a day by 2014 i was on this dose unitl january 2016 when i started to taper myself off with no doctor and no insurance because i lost my job luckily i had 2 fills left and had enough to taper for about 7 months. I quit at a half mg in the morning last July. I am through the worst of it now but i truly thought i was going to lose my mind and i often questioned whether i would make it at all. I had no idea it would be like it was i quit opiates cold turkey and that was a breeze compared to benzo wd i sure wish i would have came across this post earlier as i spent many days and nights in a state of complete terror and panic. I still had to act as normal as i could because nobody knew what i was doing and i still had obligations. I went to the doctor twice and paid 300 dollars out of pocket i begged the doctor to tell me their was something that could be done or to please just prescribe me xanax so i escape the hell i was living. The doctor had no compassion and even tried to tell me i needed more help than she could provide me! I had racing heart beat, sweats, panic attacks, irrational intense anxiety, difficulty even going to get fast food or talk to people i had known for years. I think i may have even had a heart attack but i toughed it out becuase nobody seemed to get it. Last month i finally started to feel better yes the damage is done but i am now free from this cursed drug and can see the end of the wd. I know that i can make it through anything if i can make it through this and i want anyone that is going through this to know that you will be ok just dig deep and take it day by day try and eat as healthy as possible and go for walks if you can find one person to talk to about it that will help a bunch as well. Thank you for giving me an outlet to share my experience.
I am sorry that you suffered so much. It is a very common story for those of us harmed by a benzo. Doctors don’t understand the damage done or the healing process. It’s criminal that doctors are allowed to cause this illness and suffering. I am glad that you are healing. It will only get better. Keep going!