curled up on his bed on the couch at my feet. The steady rhythm of the rain dancing on the roof sends shivers of joy down my spine. I watch through stained glass windows, the nude trees swaying their branches in the stormy wind. An electric candle glows and dims on the table beside me. I am utterly at peace.
As I’ve crossed this great nation to explore the concept of resilience and to talk to benzo withdrawal survivors, I’ve had the time and the courage to look back at my own healing. I wasn’t always willing or ready to look back, it was far too painful and frightening. I am proud I didn’t kill myself and I am proud I didn’t reinstate. Both options presented themselves to me many, many times in my healing process. I can’t believe the amount of suffering these drugs can cause. As one benzo survivor called it: “it’s primal suffering.” Indeed.
My dear friend Paul wrote to me this morning and asked what is the “grail” that I seek on this trip. He wanted to know if I was conscious of what I wanted to be open to and to learn. Yes, I am. I want to learn to always be open to life. I want to deepen my faith in God. I want to marvel at the magic of life, even in the hard times, and there will always be hard times. I want to mature, to wisen. I want to go back to California with an idea of how I will earn a living in the next chapter of my life, as this benzo chapter slowly comes to a close.
My benzo healing journey was a long and painful one. The amount of terror I felt every day for years was unbearable. The body pain, and the electric buzzing, fatigue, confusion, emotional rollercoaster, etc. was beyond human limits to endure. Yet that is what we do in withdrawal. We endure. We hold on. We live on the thin hope that one day we will awaken and feel normal feelings, and be pain free in our bodies. I lived on that small hope for a very, very long time. And now, it is here!
I am not pain free, but I am mentally stable and better than my prior normal. I trust that my body will continue to slowly heal over time. I may not be rid of every symptom, but I know I can live a good life. I have the emotional, mental and spiritual capacity now to appreciate life’s smallest gifts. Like the soft sounds of the rain tapping on the roof.
I want everyone of you who is still suffering to know that one day, it will come to an end. You’ll wake to a new day, and your heart will know peace. Your soul will know joy. You’ll be whole again. You’ll be able to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on. You may be surprised by the direction your life takes after withdrawal. You may find yourself called to do different work, or to pursue different hobbies. I hope you can be open to whatever gifts will present themselves to you.
It’s raining here in Tennessee, and Shakespeare is curled up at my feet. Ahh! Life is sweet. Thank you, God.
I enjoy reading about your journey!
Thank you so much Jenn! You are doing such incredible work for all of us right now! I have so much hope for your documentary, that you can make some money from it and the workd will benefit from it’s message.
I have had a rought time with my last couple of cuts. My dog also instills so much peace and joy into my life in a way that humans can’t always do for me right now. we have to find those small little reminders every day and we will heal!
blessings on the rest of your journey!
Hello Jennifer, I have been following your journey, marveling at your conviction and courage. I would like your permission to post some of your material on my http://www.AdvocateForSocialReform.com site…this being my first trek into the Cyber Universe. Please let me know if this email reaches you, Sincerely, Marjorie Meret-Carmen, M.Ed. Bend, Oregon
Yay!!I am so happy for you…
At 30 months off the nasty drug Effexor, I am leaving the terror days behind, and life is a true gift.
Like you,I’m glad I endured and didn’t do anything radical.
I didn’t know I was so strong.But we are!!
Life wont be the same from now on;after this second chance, every minute is going to be worth living.
I’ve found out that the damage due to AD is very similar to Benzos.
Good news is we all heal in time.
Congratulations for this last post;simply beautiful.
Hugs.
Sounds so beautiful and tranquil there. Snuggle up with a good book and a cup of tea and just chill out. We’re having an all day and night rain as well, so that’s what I’ll be doing. The worst of this nightmare is behind us. We can handle the remaining symptoms. So, look out world, here we come.
Thank u Jennifer. Was teary eyed while read this..so need. The turmoil etc..yes the healing. Glad u r past this 2 a pt. n enjoying along w/ur family furry pal. The simple things God made..try 2 c. i get confused what i am n 2 do but..i keep going on. Tryn 2 rest as i can but also daily duties..was tryn figure media n this n alot research n energy that i dont have enuf of..Wish Shakespeare n U a safe continued journey. Thank u <3