I’ve worked all evening on a new website for my friend’s business. It kept my mind busy. Good. I need that. Wish I could wake up with this much calm and quiet in my mind and body. But if tomorrow is anything like the (guesstimate) 3,593 days I’ve spent either trying to get off my benzo or recovering from the damage it did to my brain and body, it will be a challenge to navigate. I’ve gotten pretty good at coping with the burning, tingles, twitching, bone pain, muscle pain, spasms, ears screeching, funky vision, jaw pain, crushing feeling, mind-blowing fatigue, weakness, jelly legs, head pressure (you’re getting the idea I’m still fucked up, right? Right.) intrusive thoughts, intrusive memories, looping thoughts, and just all the other crazy silliness that goes with this whole syndrome. Oh, wait, did I forget the high anxiety? How can I forget that little darling? 🙂
What I know at this point is I still have healing to do. That being said, I have made changes in my life to better speed that process along. (Ok, not sure I can make it go faster, but I can sure make it easier for healing to happen.)
1. I don’t wear make up any more.
I know, you’re thinking, “Wha??? So big deal. What’s that got to do with healing?” For me? Plenty. I used to be SO wrapped up in how I looked. Not having a strong sense of my own self-worth, I hid behind a face that I was told was “pretty.” I remember years ago when my savings account was taking a hit (remember when the stock market went into freefall in ’08?) and I actually used to worry if I would have enough money to get botox and fillers. I kid you not. I wasn’t worried about my retirement plan, I was worried about my wrinkles! God forbid that I lost my looks. (I just giggled as I wrote that. It seems so amazingly shallow and silly. But it was where I was at at the time.) For me to go without makeup is a HUGE step in my healing my soul.
2. I don’t wear contacts anymore. I wear big funky glasses.
I could just copy and paste the above paragraph here. You get the idea… I am healing my infantile need to be special, pretty, etc.
3. I cut my hair Mia Farrow pixie short.
Yup. I asked my hairdresser (her name is Karma, soooo perfect for me!) to cut, cut, and cut some more. It’s super easy. Wash, condition, towel dry and finger comb it into place, put on my glasses (and clothes of course!) and I’m out the door. Now, once out, I have no idea where to go as I am so sick again, but by God, I am out the door.
4. I filter everything I do with one simple question: “Is it simple?”
Everything has to be simple for me to heal. I can’t do drama. I can’t do complicated. I need simple. I have backed away from teaching at Stanford again, attempting to consult at Google, coach anyone for any reason, or take on any job that demands more than my brain can handle. What I can handle is writing. I am now writing for others. I can do it curled on my couch, or out in the garden. Easy peasy. Â I cook and eat simple. I dress simple. I even cleaned out every drawer and closet (not kidding, every single one!) and got rid of a mountain of crap I didn’t need, didn’t use, didn’t wear, didn’t like. My home is so airy and light, I love it. Simple.
5. Hold on to hope.
Almost every email I send to Don has some version of “I’ll never heal.. waaaa! Waaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaaa! in it. I admit. I lost hope. Totally. I’m only now getting it back in bits and pieces. I realize I have to stop writing or talking negative and get my brain back into positive mode. As long as I have life, there is hope!
6. Pray and mean it.
Don told me about a prayer he sent up to his creator. I said a similar prayer. I prayed that my creator would MAKE me surrender to his/her/its will for me. I don’t seem to have the bandwidth or enough courage, so my creator is going to have to do it for me. Sometimes I get scared to think what I am going to face, but I know, it will be ok. (Remind me to write a post about Kenny’s visit from heaven. it’s a goosebumps maker!)
7. Rinse, repeat.
Since I am a restless, irritable and discontented lass, (if those words ring out to you, you’ll get that I like Bill W. A lot!) and I muck things up because I want what I want, when I want it and how I want it. I have a hard time giving up control. I’ll most likely have to keep working at these things over and over. That’s ok. It’s not a race. It’s a life. It’s my life. And I am trying damn hard to make it meaningful, rich and full even on the days when I have so much fear and pain, and all I can do is cry on the couch. I may be sick but I still matter. Just as you still matter.
8. Last but not least, love.
I want to learn how to love me better. I want to learn to love even this time of my life. Instead of hating it, I want to love it, just like the way I love my four children. I am tired of all of the negative energy in my life, caused by my fear, my illness, my weakness, my lack of faith, my need to control…. etc…… LOVE cures all. I believe it can cure my brain damage if I give it a chance.
It’s after 1 a.m. Time to call it a day. I’m going to predict that tomorrow is a better day than today. How’s that for a positive thought? 🙂
To infinity and beyond!
Thanks! I needed that! In the other end, up too early with all if the achiness. Just trying to breathe and drink some coffee.
Trying not to worry about how badly I hurt my back harvesting potatoes, or how hot it will be and I did not get enough sleep, and do much to do, and…
But even if I am neurotic and my life looks messy I feel so confident that as I continue to do some similar things that you are, I am getting to that simplicity that only this moment matters.
I am having a temporary added complication while I leave my husband and wait to move to my little, simple, all mine house. My daughter expressed concern yesterday. She likes life orderly. I told her it was ok, I will be ok. Sometimes you need a little chaos to get to the other side and need to feel the emotions, the real ones, not the ooh my god everything could go wrong feelings!
Meanwhile, I spend these wee hours reading positive self talk books and also emptying drawers. I love this part of moving. Believing I am now different and every time that I throw away or donate something that is no longer me it feels so wonderful!
Keep sharing! You have such a gift for telling it so simply as well!
Good stuff Jennifer! Carry on. Thank you for sharing that. xo
Good 4 U Jennifer!! Needed that 2. Have to do all of those steps n esp luv the neg..practice huh. Getn my cortisone shots today & feet healing as well..get anxious b4 & then weird feelings 1 day or so after..I depend on my Higher Power.. tho hard I no as there’s the control issue.. want to be w/people n friends n not easy or cant..im sick and healing..baby stages but.Thank u Jennifer. Helps n hopes. GO U : )
Great post Jenn….I resonate with every word you say….I no longer wear make up either and have a simpler hairstyle…no curling needed….it is so freeing. This illness has changed us, sometimes for the worse (fear, doubt, a new illness for me (Hashimoto’s) to worry about, the need for control, self-doubt etc) and hopefully for the better (learning what is truly meaningful, the simpler things in life, valuing healthy and nutrient dense food, and how important self-acceptance and loving ourselves is)….oh yes and PATIENCE….thanks for putting it all into words that we can all relate to….there HAS to be something big that we can all gain from this experience..we weren’t given this mountain to climb for no reason.
Thanks Jenn. I need as much reframing as possible. I am so destroyed after a horrible detox four months ago and am barely hanging by a thread. I know there has to be some greater good that will come if I can just hang in there day to day. Hope is all I have right now. I, like so many others, have been destroyed by this. Thanks for giving me some light amongst the darkness
Dr Jenn. First time here posting. I needed that as I am in a bad way after a horrible detox experience four months ago. So scared I’ll never get better. This process for me, and for many others, has destroyed our lives and hope is all we have left. I cling to it everyday as I just try to survive another painful 24 hours. I try to remind myself that others have made it out the other side from this and only time will heal me. Thanks again for all that you do for this most important benzo community. I talk to Don frequently and am considering a trip to PA to meet him.
Jenn..first of all glad you are back! I know I speak for everyone when I say we love reading your posts. I continue to pray for you and all of us!!!
Wonderful post. Thought you had closed this down so didn’t check in for awhile. This is the reason I was so grateful to find you last year and to keep in touch, getting support, crying and praying for you, me and all of us who continue to suffer. You are much needed and your best gift is writing and sharing. You are honest and upfront about your struggles, making ours a bit easier. None of us are in control. None of us understand all of the why’s, all of us are full of fear of never healing. I try to acknowledge the fear and then, ignore it. Not easy as you well know.
Be well, keep writing and sharing. We need each other on this long, hard journey.
Hugs dear friend, Karen