When the big quake of ’89 shook San Francisco, I was in the hospital almost 8 months pregnant with my twins. It had been a high risk pregnancy as my water had broken at 18 weeks. I spent months bedridden, doing my best to be a good mother to my 2 and 3-year-old running around the house. We were adding on a second story to make more room for our growing family and the constant construction didn’t help my stress level.
My doctor put me in the hospital for observation as I was spilling protein, a sign that I was developing pre-eclampsia. It was a quiet afternoon, like thousands of others before it. The A’s and the Giant’s were facing off at Candlestick for the Worlds Series. Suddenly, life as we all knew it shattered with the ground shaking. I hate remembering the fear I felt standing in the hospital doorway, holding on to the bucking building as best as I could. I knew in my heart that my twins and I were doing to die. I had struggled so hard to get them to a viable gestation and now, we three would perish.
I’m writing this blog almost 25 years later, so we didn’t become victims to the earthquake. At least not with our lives. But I became a victim with fear. I had a wicked case of PTSD. Two weeks after the quake, the twins were born and I put myself into therapy. Immediately all of my past traumas came pouring out of me like a river intent on destroying the dam that holds it back. I had a hard time coping with the feelings. A few years later, when I decided to leave my emotionally abusive marriage, the panic attacks became too much to bear. A visit to the doctor remedied that. Enter Klonopin into my life.
And here I am, 38 months out yesterday, doing my best to heal a damaged CNS. It’s been up and down and sideways. I was getting better last spring. The morning anxiety was much better and the intrusive thoughts and doom and gloom was lifting. I thought I may have a chance at a decent, drug free life. But I pushed too much. My system still needed time to settle down. I got hit with a major wave in June. A lot of my old symptoms came back. I was devastated.
I’ve been babying myself, spending a lot of time curled on my couch resting. I don’t do a lot that will upset my system. I avoid people, places and things that are too stimulating for me. I was just starting to turn a few corners in the afternoons and evenings at least, In fact, yesterday, my 38 month off anniversary, I had one of the best evenings I have had in a very long time. I kept my mind busy and I was able to relax in my body more than I have been able to for many months. I had almost zero tinglings, twitching, burning, etc. It was heaven!
I went to bed and wrote a quick prayer and thank you to God, saying thanks for a good night. I prayed that I could wake up the next day with little anxiety. I went to sleep so hopeful! After almost 4 years of being benzo sick (counting taper) I am SO ready for a good night’s sleep and to wake up calm and happy to start the day.
I woke up at my usual time, close to three thirty, to some mild tingles. I was assessing how I felt when the house started shaking and the earth roared. Quake! My mind raced back to ’89. The shaking gained momentum and it went on and on and on and on….
My benzo sx started up immediately. Burning skin, tingles, hot sweats, flushes, jaw pain, etc. etc. my old anxiety was always a racing heart and shaky legs. Now its colored with benzo sx from a damaged CNS. I lay in bed, terrified and thought, “Really? You’ve got to be kidding me!” I had ONE decent afternoon and evening and was hoping against hope to cobble a few more together. Doesn’t look like that will be happening today.
I went out in the garden and sat in the rocking chair. I looked at the stars. I prayed. I did my best to calm down. I heard neighbors up and about, but didn’t talk to anyone. I texted with my children. My daughter was in Napa, staying with girlfriends. The house she was in sustained damage inside and forced them to seek shelter at a neighbors. She called me in tears. I understood all too well the fear of the ground below you shaking so violently.
I finally went into the house and crawled back into bed. My body was on fire from head to toe. I slept fitfully a few more hours then woke up to face another day of benzo recovery. And I suppose, I am facing my own emotional recovery from the quake that was the start of my nervous approach to life. I have run some errands this morning with shaky legs, rumination thoughts about death, life, whats the point etc.. and I am doing my best to cope with the increased burning, tingling, dizziness and weakness.
The immature side of me wants to pout and get angry with God. But the mature side of me sees this as an opportunity to heal and grow. I am doing my best to float above the anxiety as I know I am safe right here, right now. I am doing my best to ignore the catastrophic thoughts and understand they are generated from a brain that has too little GABA available presently to keep things calm.
I have never liked living in the Bay Area. It has never felt like home. Home is in the Rocky Mountains. If my four children were not here, I’d be long gone. I’ve got to come to grips with the fact that we live on shaky ground. ( I had finally gotten to the point where I could drive over the bridge and overpasses without thinking about them collapsing in a quake!) But it’s not just the ground shaking that I dislike. It’s the fast paced, tech focused, highly expensive lifestyle that everyone is so caught up in. It makes for healing from the damage done by benzos a challenge. I’d prefer to be living in a log cabin tucked on the hillside of a mountain, watching the leaves turn as the seasons change.
I can’t believe I am facing one of my biggest past traumas, just as I was feeling as if things were going to settle down. God has a mighty strange sense of humor.
I pray for everyone who was injured or had property damage. I pray for those whose nerves are strained. I hope no one develops PTSD from this quake. Anxiety is the biggest thief. It takes away the joy of living. I’m ready to kick its ass to the curb and grab some joy. If only I can get my CNS to go along with that plan! I am doing my best. Breathing slow, resting, changing my thoughts, and doing all I can to hold on to the hope that one day, my brain and body will recover from almost 2 decades of prescribed medication.
This too shall pass. I just wish to God it would hurry the f%#@ up and go already!
That cabin in the Rockies tucked into the side of a mountain sounds got to me too, Jenn…hoping you get more relief soon, other than one evening….mornings are still my worst time of day….must be the cortisol….healing is happening….but like you, I wish it would hurry up!
You were the first person I thought about when I heard about the quake. Glad you’re okay. Sounds like your nasty wave is receding a little. We just have to be so careful about not overdoing. With me, I have to be very, very careful with what I put in my mouth. Wrong foods will put me in a wave in a minute. Continuing to pray for all of us going through this long, drawnout nightmare. One day we will all be drug free and symptom free
Glad your okay! Ive been updosed for the 4th or 5th time on Librium at 100 mgs now was at 93 down from 150 but moved down south and was wondering is there any hope for me? I have really bad memory problems and this is the inspiration for me to get off this aweful drug. Is there any hope for someone like me? Ive been praying a lot lately! Hope your daughter didnt have too much damage to her home. – Lauren
So glad everyone was ok! It is do diufuckt as we heal to distinguish real danger ftom assumed. You have real danger in that area. You do have extra stresses there that are the reason that I chose Chicago for school vs. San Francisco.
BUT! I live near MSU. Few years ago I found it too hectic and tried moving to country. Too I isolated! Too many cruel wild animals like raccoons murdering birdies outside my window at my bird feeder. And too many gun and motor bike nuts bringing noises I was not used to (I fled ambulance sirens that I now find comforting because they mean I live right by help!)
Now I thought I found ideal on a big lot in EL with beautiful wildlife but they destroy my gardens and bring horrible smells daily. We also had crazy ice storm with no power and sub zero temps for 7 days last winter- big anxiet trigger despite warm water and Woodstock. (Week of solstice and Christmas!)
Meanwhile, I realize I keep looking for happiness and fear leaving my marriage that encouraged me to get on klonopin.
I am leaving the marriage finall and the big yard back to the safety of a part of Lansing I lived in off and on. It will be small but cozy . And I know it will also come with anxiety but I will go there to finish my taper and continue to heal.
Find that place, just know there is always something that will trigger, just hopefully not the big ones like earthquakes and ice storms! Or my step daughter was just flooded in suburban Detroit area. Nature is feeling as anxious as we are!
Sorry do many typos! On hand held, hope everyone got the idea!
No doubt about it..IT SUCKS..I hate all this 2 Jennifer. It helps to know and then understand better. Ur doing a great job and it helps me..I do act out w/my pouting and complaining..moans n groans and to God..have to remember my adult side and like u wrote and take care of this temple-body..I 2 long for that peace w/out anxiety and good sleep. 9 months free..dont c these symptoms subsiding fast..i know time..but coping..Wish & pray it all away from u, every1 & myself..Thanks