Three years free today. I can’t believe it. It is hard to wrap my brain around the depth and duration of suffering.
A quick look back on my recovery: it was hell. Period.
Not a lot more to say.
A look forward: I expect to recover as completely as anyone can, and put this chapter way, way, way, behind me.
At 36 months free I am still symptomatic. I got slammed with a big wave last week and I am riding it to shore. Almost everything returned. The looping weird thoughts, intrusive thoughts, intense DR that stayed all through the day, and my pain, burning, tingling, weakness, dizziness and fatigue ratcheted up to almost unbearable. I have cried. A lot. I was thrown back into that horror of “Oh my God, what if I don’t heal?” It took ALL of my coping skills and then some, to stay on top of that fear as best as I could.
The good news? I have had a few breaks in the wave to see more glimmers of the real me. The spunky, sparkly, funny, creative, me. Every time a wave leaves, more of me is left behind. It’s pretty amazing.
I trust that I am still healing. I wish I knew how much longer it is going to take. But I wake up, and I put one foot in front of the other. I try to do the next right step, as best as I can.
I am allowing myself the space and time my brain, body, spirit and mind need in order to heal. Sure, I get impatient at times. Who wouldn’t? It’s a long time to be sick. But I am trusting that God is carrying me. If he isn’t, my sorry ass is in BIG trouble! No way I could have done this, or continue to do this, on my own.
So, thank you God. And thank you to my benzo buddies. I hope you all heal quickly.
Congrats Jennifer!!! A huge accomplishment! <3
So happy you’re pulling out of it Jennifer. You have to be so close to complete healing. I had a night of intense hissing, tingling, tingling and head pressure. Guess I’m coming into another bad wave. At 16 months I know I probably still have a long way to go. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. It helps to know that everything we’re feeling is just the normal pattern of benzo withdrawal. You’re such a blessing Jennifer. Thanks for everything you do for us benzo sufferers
Waves always seem to hit at anniversaries: 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, six months, the year marks. I feel certain there’s physiology to it though I’m not scientist enough to say why. I’m coming up on my four years free mark. I hope it’s … unremarkable.
I still can’t understand this benzo withdrawal fully, as to why symptoms come and go and how long it goes on… Doctors.. and anyone else just thinks that all of this is another problem I have and its not benzo related anymore… I too have a hard time believing it myself… I am having tension lately around my vocal cords… throat… sometimes It paralyzes my speech and leaves me breathless.
Could it be the benzo withdrawal?
I’m so sorry Jennifer : ( Congratulations on your 3 yrs Benzo free too! So difficult those moments. Had a major hard 1 this past wknd..terror..intense fear..cry SO much..not much sleep..isolate..hands tingly..voice hoarse..today its a better day..thought maybe death and then there was a death in my family..couple things may have triggered. God is there for sure pulling me out..little by little. Glad to see this.
Congratulations Jennifer on your 3 year benzo free mark! May the wave leave soon and a window open once again!
Blessings.
I get a horse voice from time to time. The way I think about things is if its weird, and horrible, its probably WD. I know that is not very scientific, but is sure fits the bill with my recovery. These symptoms are just so crazy. I finally had a decent window of relative normal. Then around 10 PM wham! The tingling, burning, crushing sensation started. Out of the blue. Go figure. Keep fighting the good fight.
You are making it, dear Lady. 3 years! You are strong and you are a survivor. Believe it. You are. I’ve learned one thing for sure, We can’t set any time limits on this, it’s unpredictable with so many variables for each of us. Healing is…healing, after all. Everyday, in everyway, it’s going on inside us, inside our remarkable bodies, our remarkable minds. There is no understanding the waves and windows, the pain and suffering, not really, there’s just acceptance and coping and going forward.
As we have discussed, I suffer, too, with all the mind fears of “what if I don’t heal”, etc. when a wave hits me. I have horrible days of crying and wishing things were different, especially after windows. Of thinking it is over, that I am healed. We all do but, really, we are always healing, it’s just not something we can see. However, I look back and boy, was I in a mess and a bad place just a year ago. I am doing so much more now. But, like all of us, I want this to end completely, no more waves, and we all want to be back to so-called normal. However, to be honest, I don’t want to be that person anymore, I want to be better and I think those of us who go through this horror are better people for it. More compassionate, more appreciative, more loving, quicker to forgive, closer to our God, healthier in our diets and what we put into our bodies. We are stronger. I sincerely believe this.
I try to Remember that the past can be sad and can’t be changed, the future is anxious and scary and unknown. All I really have is today, now, the present. No matter how hard it is, I must get up every morning and say to myself “I am going to love today and love my life, no matter what it brings.” I try to be thankful and think about all the things I am blessed to have. Even if it’s my eyesight, my hearing, a little bird singing out my front windows…it’s the little things we take for granted that make up our lives, I think. Even in our pain and suffering. No regrets. Whatever we did or didn’t do to get us here, it’s over and gone. We must forgive ourselves as well as those that we feel may have put us here. There’s no healing in hatred or blame. I’ve decided to let all that go. Hopefully, I will spend that energy on helping others who are going through this and on stopping others from putting the poisons into their bodies. Doctors and the drug industry aren’t going to change anytime soon no matter how many (millions at last count) are suffering in withdrawal from prescribed drugs. Too much money to be made. But I can help in my own small way. Like you, Dr. Jennifer, I can share my suffering with others and maybe change lives. Sharing and caring.
Big hugs to you and I hope you are feeling better, that this wave has passed. You are so
great to share with us and to support us. Thank you. And we are there for you. We walk this
long hard road together, hand in hand, to the end, to complete healing. To life. Hurry up and get up here to visit. Montana is waiting, Aspen is waiting.
Congrats and keep on. Love your updates, they always educate and validate so much. Peace to you.