34 months free! YAHOOOOOOO!
Today I celebrate 34 months free from the beast. It’s been a long, hard, dark, road to have to travel, but here I am, still standing, and BETTER THAN EVER!
I still have symptoms, but my life is sweet. I’m wallet poor, but heart/soul filthy rich. I’ve learned so much about who I am, what life is all about, and most importantly, how to love, and how to let go and let God lead my life. I’ve fallen in love with God in a way I never thought possible.
Symptoms: still wake up tingling. Bone pain, muscle pain, weakness at times, head pressure, dizzy, benzo belly, ears screeeeeeeching, (I don’t think that one is ever going to go away. I’ve heard it can be permanent.) insomnia, spine burning. But even with those symptoms, life is good. I have a full and normal range of emotions again. They are not so big and overwhelming anymore. I have boatloads of hope and anticipation of a good future. I also have an abundance of acceptance and appreciation.
My friend Paula and I went to dinner last night. We talked about the years I struggled to recover. She thinks that my inner ambition, the desire to keep doing something and do that something well, is what helped me hold on. I think she may be right. I threw myself into gardening. My front yard became my sanctuary of healing. It also became a gathering spot for the neighborhood, even for strangers from other areas. It gave me a reason to wake up in the morning and face another day of terror, anxiety, depression, pain and existential angst. (Those symptoms are long gone, thankfully.)
I also know that working the 12 steps of recovery, as suggested in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, helped me a great deal. They were instrumental in helping me find my way back to God. They also helped me learn how to be of service to others and to deflate my oversized ego. I used to have an undercurrent of shame running in the background of my life: ashamed of my sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbor and the subsequent assaults from other men that followed. I never felt I was good enough for anything. I always had to prove to myself and to others, that I was Ok. That meant I had to be perfect… in everything. Looks, weight, grades, accomplishments… it was exhausting! Then of course I felt shame over how I coped with feeling shame, which was to numb out with red wine at night. Shame becomes a very circuitous emotion, feeding and looping back on itself as it grows bigger and bigger.
ALL OF THAT IS GONE FROM MY LIFE due to having to survive benzo withdrawal. So, in a strange way, I am grateful for this dark road I have had to travel. I have zero shame. I have only deep and wide compassion for myself and the experiences I have lived through. I no longer feel driven to prove myself to anyone. I know, in every fiber of my being, that I have enough. I do enough. I am enough. (Someone posted those words here on my blog in a comment one day. I’ve taken them to heart. Writing a new book about them, in fact!)
Benzo withdrawal was the ugly, painful grit in my shell. With the help of God, I’ve turned that grit into a pearl. A beautiful, shiny, pearl. If I can do that, so can you!
I’m teaching a workshop this Saturday at Stanford University, How To Boost Your Creative Brain Power. I can’t tell you how scrumptiously delicious it feels to be well enough to be an adjunct professor at (freaking fabulous!) Stanford. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think life would take me here. I am so grateful.
I’m a better person for having lived through withdrawal. I’m a MUCH better person to be free from that poison that kept me so sick for EIGHTEEN YEARS OF MY LIFE!
I’ve still got healing to do, but so what. This moment, I feel that the possibilities ahead of me are infinite. One step at a time. One day at a time. Easy does it. I trust that good things are ahead. I trust God has his/her arms around me. Thank you, God.
Thank you too, all of you, who read my blog and those who comment or write to me. I love you all. I pray for you all every day. I know if you hold on and don’t reinstate, you can get to this place of peace, serenity and grace. I’ll be looking for you here.
Below is the new book that will be coming out soon. (Cover mocked up excuse water mark.) Thanks to everyone who read it and helped me edit. I appreciate your time and help.
Keep fighting the good fight. It is worth it.
I am glad things are improving for you. I was sad to read the part about the ears screeching and you not thinking this will ever go. You’ve heard that it can be permanent. That’s my nitemare symptom. I have read that it does go, but it’s the last. That’s the hope that keeps me going.
I hope it goes away…..but…. I am not sure. many people NOT in wd get tinnitus from nerve damage. So, who knows? I hope yours gets better. I know its hard to live with at times. I call it God’s tea kettle. 🙂
It’s great you have come so far. I’ve had the ringing in the ears 6 years now I try to say Oh well my hearing is still good. Then I turn on music to focus on it. Grateful we can live the enough mantra: I have enough I do enough I am enough. Congratulations on the book!
Wow how great!! Congrats Jennifer!!!! Amazing story. Thank you!! I relate w/your past trauma and I too feel benzo w/d is making me stronger tho hard days..todays a good day : ) God has done miracles..& learning and always. KEEP GOING!! Glad all and you are there ♡♡
So very happy for you Jennifer. Can’t wait to get there. I’m having better days, but at 14 months I still have a lot of symptoms. I,too, have developed a beautiful personal relationship with God. I know I wouldn’t be there had it not been for benzo withdrawal. So in spite of the horrific suffering I’m also thankful for it. Right now I’m dealing with painful ribs as a result of intercostal neuralgia. Have you or anyone else had to deal with that? It’s a shame everyone is so far apart. It would be so neat to sit down and share our stories and also all the little miracles that happened just when you needed it. South Carolina is a long way away. If I was further along in withdrawal I probably would still have tried to make the summit. Continuing to pray for your full recovery. Diane murphy
Diane I am so sorry you have that sx. I still have it from time to time. Mine flared yesterday. Couldn’t lie on my left side or lean over. But it went away. It comes and goes. It will fade away in time.
when you are more recovered, I am sure our paths will cross. I go to northern GA to stay on our family farm. Or at least I used to. 🙂 Hoping to be able to travel again soon. Blessings to you.
Yes, it’s on the left side. Feels like I’ve been punched really hard in the ribs and it feels like I have broken ribs or extremely bruised ribs. Glad to hear it gradually gets better. I haven’t read where anyone else suffered from this.
Jenn,
I’m very glad to hear that your life is shaping up for you!! Best of wishes for all your future endeavors!!
Best Regards,
Brian
I have an IMPORTANT QUESTION !!! I finished my taper and now in 18 months of withdrawal.and about three weeks off the valium for the taper. A NEW symptom ??? something so strange is starting to happen 🙁 🙁 I wake up STARTLED in the night from sleep – with a sort of SQUEAK AND LOUD which comes from my ear (which was on my pillow). It has happened twice and SCARES ME SO MUCH. …. AND LAST NIGHT A NOISE (NOT A SNORE – AGAIN, A SORT OF SQUEAK – CAME OUT OF MY THROAT) ???? IT IS SOOOO WEIRD. Could that be from the benzo withdrawal ???? Has anyone had something like that ???
Dr. Jen …. I am SO VERY VERY HAPPY FOR YOU 🙂 🙂 Please let us know when the books come out !!!! Have you thought of putting them in the Betty Ford – Hazelden Foundation Book Catalog ???
Congratulations on 34 months, Little Sister! I still have the loud ringing in my left ear. For me, it represents the voice of my w/d that was vanquished and has now vanished. All it can do now is make a little noise. Its power is gone – kind of like a bark without a bite. It’s a constant reminder of the strength that was given to me to survive the suffering and the ever-increasing peace and contentment I have in my new life. It’s not a s/x for me. It’s the music of celebration.
Had a nice window this morning now down. This too shall pass. At times I would hear sounds in my head as I was asleep then awake. It got better hasn’t happened for a few weeks. The rib pain must be difficult. I get sticky stabby chest pain but try to minimize it in my mind. Wish to connect more with all of you as well. Remember thousands have gone before us and recover. I’m not what I want to be but thank God I’m better than I was. We do not have to do this alone. Wish health and peace for all of you going through WD.
Thank you Don for helping me think of the ringing in my ears as an orchestra. I had a wonderful past 24 hours then had allergic reaction and now am wiped out. Want to do more but I can’t. Not this minute. My journey is now 28 months. I found an integrative doctor who is helping me. No more trying Meds! I’m happy for your recovery Don. I look forward to the day I too am happy and “myself” again. No wait – better than the former self!
Jenn:
Thanks for opening your mind and your heart to us!!! It helps us get through the difficult times! I feel like I escaped pretty unscathed..I do have my moments, and I do have tinnitus, but I can live with it…but I’m happy that I was only on this poison for 3 months at a low dose. I too have developed a closer relationship with God, which is a blessing! I hope and pray that all of you recover quickly…
OH Jen!!!! How I needed to read this…. and I needed it this morning! Yesterday I celebrated (not sure celebrated is how I feel) 11 months off this klonopin nightmare! Yes, things are better than a year ago, but I feel like I have so much more healing to do! It’s on days like today that I have such a hard time keeping my eyes above the “wave” and seeing just how far God has brought me! To hear how well you are doing revives my hope in a future that will be good. Thank you for sharing your journey with me…..the hard times as well as the healing that has taken place!