I know I keep writing about how sweet life is at this point in recovering from benzo withdrawal. I hope I don’t sound like a broken record. It’s just that life really is incredibly wonderful. Even with the remaining symptoms, life is really, really nice.
I am now able to hold ideas and thoughts together and make sense of paper work that until even recently, was total Greek to me. I have enough energy now to sustain projects to birth the non-profit I am creating. I am creative again. In fact, I feel even more creative than ever as I was in tolerance withdrawal from Klonopin for so many years that the clarity I have now is pretty amazing. It will keep getting better too, I know. Yippee!
I remember the last year before I began my taper I spent a large portion of it in bed in the mornings and afternoons. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I always blamed my fatigue and foggy thinking on stress. Or the red wine I drank every night to stave off, what I now know, was tolerance symptoms. I still fight fatigue, but it is a different fatigue than what I had years ago.
I read success stories on Recovery-road.org. One woman wrote that post recovery, life was great and “nothing sucked.” I feel that way too. Even with the stress of having to rebuild my career and finances, life doesn’t suck. It feels wide open with hope and possibility.
Being benzo free is worth the pain and suffering I experienced. And boy, did I suffer. The endless hours of sheer, awful, indescribable terror. The paranoia. The anxiety. Panic attacks that made my old panic’s seem like child’s play. The body symptoms were like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. The full body tingling like I had fallen into a beehive. The crushing sensations, burning, the pain that literally dropped me to the floor. The head pressure, dizziness…. you know that stuff I am talking about. It was agony to hold on most days. I often prayed for death. But I am so glad I didn’t die. Now that most of the symptoms are gone and my mind is clear, I look forward to the start of the day. I used to dread going to bed as I knew it meant I had to wake up and live another day.
I am writing this out in my garden. The breeze lifts my hair. The birds sing. A butterfly, the first one I have seen this season, just danced by. Bees are busy visiting flower after flower. All is right with the world. I used to think this moment would never come. Now it is here.
If you are in that place where you feel that withdrawal will never get better, I am here to tell you, it will. GIve it time. I will be 33 months off on the 23rd. I tapered for 8 months before my cold turkey jump. I have lost a lot of years to benzo sickness. Now I can embrace life again and start over with a clear mind.
Someone asked me recently if I am angry I lost so much because a doctor put me on and kept me on a very dangerous drug without informing me about the dangers. Now that I am so much better, the answer is no. I am not angry. I don’t want to waste anymore of my precious life on negative emotions. Anger won’t give me back the years I spent recovering, unable to work, unable to think properly and suffering emotionally and spiritually, so why bother? What I like to do most is to practice gratitude. I am grateful for the things I have. I don’t focus too much on what I don’t have. I don’t worry about what I might lose, or what I might not get. I stay in the present moment, open, grateful, and happy to still be on the planet.
Keep fighting. One day, you will sit down and write an email to me and tell me that you are experiencing a day you thought would never come, a day where you feel vital, alive, happy, and whole. It’s coming. Hold on. It’s coming.
All the best on this magnificent day, March 15th. My very best friend ever was born on this day, 56 years ago. He died on March 30, 1991. I know his spirit is with me here in the garden. I can still feel the love we used to share. Be well in heaven Kenny. I am thinking of you today. I love you. Still. Very, very much.
Great post Jenn..as I lay here with my three year old rubbing her head, I feel good…in fact, I feel like I’m getting better every day! I too try not to take life for granted, as I used to. I have learned to take each day and each moment at a time. I hope you continue to feel better! Hugs!
Wow! Amazing story. N So true..gives hope. Thank u. God IS good 2 : )
It really is amazing and we’ll never be the same people again. Benzo withdrawal changes us but changes us for the better. I want to add I’ll be 16 months off from my cold turkey next weekend and I’m almost ready to write a success story. I have no symptoms to speak of now and my brain is almost fully functioning. I know I may go backwards but want to celebrate this feeling of vitality and wholeness with you. After 40 years of being just half a person being alive is so good.
So very happy you have finally reached that beautiful state of healing. Time truly does take care of it. All we have to do is wait and perservere, but oh how hard that is. I’m 13months off today and having better days. Head pressure, balance problems and dizziness is what’s bothering me the most. I’m just glad to be on the other side of a year. We’ll all get there sooner or later at our own rate. Can’t wait. So very, very happy that you’ve reached it. L
Wonderful uplifting post. It is hard to remotely imagine being where you are. At 11 1/2 months off with no considerable healing it is so unbelievable that I could ever feel peace in my mind, body and emotions. I can only believe because of people like you who have went before.
Thank you for this wonderful blog and for sharing your healing with us.
How much did you taper down from and how much did you cold turkey jump from? How long on? And how old were you? Sometimes i am wondering with us women if lengthy wds doesnt have alot to do with menopause getting thrown into the mix??? Im so thankful you feel better! I so wish i could just stop the poison right now! I am tired all the time and i literally feel like im dying. There is a lot of pain involved for sure!
It’s such an encouragement to read your blog post here. I think it so important to read the positive aspects of withdrawal rather than constantly reading the hell one must go through. While those are helpful for a time, I think it important in recovery to focus on what will be. Oh how I look forward to that day when I will see improvement. Any day now would be fine with me. God bless you as you continue to encourage all those on this journey. Thank you!